Inner Dilemma

This space has been silent for quite some time, but what could I do - I was not able to pen down anything. It was not like that there was dearth of thoughts. It was more subtle, there was something inside me that was pulling me back again and again. The internal fight that you could say was tearing me apart. Something was building inside me but it was not coming out or I was not letting it go. Today I finally decided that its time that at least I try out to let the feeling go. What are those feeling I don't know, but I submit myself to the inner instincts and let the hands play on the keypad. The result may be or may not be good, but at least I think it would lighten my burden. After a long time I am still in a dilemma, do I yearn for good work or do I yearn for recognition or is it something else. Even when you have all the things why is it so that something keeps on nagging you. Why can't one have satisfaction? This is the real question in life. Why is self satisfaction so hard to achieve.
I am still in dilemma but a little better than before.
Thanks

Manish

What is happening?...

Life has been a bit strange for a past few days. Everything thing around me looks good but then I like it and I am indifferent to it at the same time. What has befallen upon me is still unknown to me. Has the hectic past few days have taken their toll on me - which is highly unlikely in my case or in realty I don't want to accept that "Yes, I am vulnerable". Whatever may be the case, my eyes seem to have lost the warmth of feelings. It looks like everything is devoid of the same thing - feeling and warmth.
From dawn to dusk, all I do is roam around like I am lost. But the basic question remains - Am I lost or Have I lost it? :)
That's the stupid grin I pose with throughout the day feeling like "what the heck is happening around me, I am above all this". All the thoughts are jumbled up and the same way they are coming on the screen, lolz. Again the same stupid laugh.
"Putting into order my inordered life" but what is inordered and what is oredered with me i still the same question for which I am at loss. Loss of words and loss of feelings. Loss of self and loss of meaning. Waiting for what is going to happen and lost in the world within myself with or without meaning...

Wanting to get lost in the crowd...

It looks like its been ages when I last talked to myself. I was trying to keep myself busy so that I don't get to talk to myself. But why is it so? Have I ever wondered what I was and what I am becoming.
The silence within me is turning into cacophony. The tranquility of still waters is being invaded by a tsunami. Still I am turning a blind eye to all of them. Again the same question Why? Why is it to that I am trying to avoid. What is it that I fear so much. Where has that Manish gone who used to fight for reason, who had a logic, who searched the soul.
All the world is marching but I am standing still rooted to a single point. Everybody has gone ahead then what I am clinging to? With all the ropes of hopes gone, nobody around to share and laugh. The friends for life are nowhere to be seen or is that I am turning blind. I know I am at fault many times but not always then why is it I am left again and again. The heart cringes at every memory with the bleeding that has turned dry. No more tears are left within me, but still I want to cry. A hope that I nourish every day in and out to become someone and to stand within friends family and crowd. All I have left is a deserted look with a emptiness so profound that its hard to hear myself or a friendly sound. It looks like that I am losing all, with standing alone without a soul.
I started as a journey saying that I was lost in the crowd, its that phase I am passing through where there is only me but no crowd. All the helping hands are at bay waving a goodbye, all I want is someone to talk to, someone to say just a simple "Hi"

Wanting to get lost... get lost in the crowd...
Manish

(image courtsey: http://fineartamerica.com)

A dull beginning to an exciting year ???

Hurrah!!! I am in second year; touted to be a rocking year. But what's this such a dull starting to such a great (read anticipated ???) year. The whole of the week went by with nothing great to write about. No classes as such, no outing nothing and add to the top of that - I am missing my beloved. Thats sad na :( I know. Still thinking about the unknown and hazy. Life sounds a bit dull and lazy but I am trying to brighten up things at the moment so lets see where do I land up and Does this year really turn out to be as memorable as thought so.
Will keep you posted.
Till then sayonara

Hum toh aise hai bhaiya...

Classes mein sona, raat ko dekhna movie aur karna poore time masti yahi hai zindagi... Bahut time ho gaya tha kuch naya kare huye.. so aaj maine sirf aadhi class he attend ki :D phir thoda nahar ghooma, then friends ko kiya thoda pareshan aur dopahar mein kiya maine aaram. Fin ki class mein toh amazing thi, main tha class ke ander aur dimag tha bahar, sir ke meri taraf dekha toh sar hila diya ki "I understood", woh baat alag hai ki kuch samajh mein aaya aur thoda padosi ne samjhaya baaki maine nahi samajhna beheter paya. Par aa din toh tha kuch alag, phir kya tha shaam ko karne nikal gaya jogging friend ke saath raste mein socha ki koi naya route try karte hain aur ek alag raste pe chale gaye, bahut mazaa ayaa but waat lag gayi (actually route bahut he lamba tha) return mein college ki bus se wapas aaye :P
khair abhi tak toh yahi kiya hai, dekho aaj aur koi dhamaka hota hai kya.
:)
Manish

Kampus...

Hi,
I am not feeling good at the moment, just want to cry my heart out. A lot of things are going about and I am just not into them. Life is looking like being alone everywhere you are, friends are there still you are alone. Don't know what to do, where to go.

Lots of feelings trying to burst out... but anyway just wanted to post few pics of Kampus at night.

Lost n lonely
Manish

Revising 3 Idiots...

"Saari umrr hum mar marke ji liye
ik pal toh abb hamein jine do, jine do

give me some sunshine, give me some rain
give me another chance i wanna grow up once again"

Yesterday I had watched the movie "3 idiots" again, something in the movie always made me think is life really what we want or is it what it becomes. We all are running the rat race to score the best and leave behind the rest.
I came to this point because of an event that happened today - we were to select the subjects that we wanted in 2nd year of our course at Kozhikode. The wierd thing about the selection process is that not everyone would have the subjects of their interest, one who scored maximum grades in 1st year gets maximum points to bid. Result the rat race continues, some get the subjects of their choice while other lag behind. Another interesting phenomenon that came to light was, how easily we adopt ourselves to the money matters. We don't see that we have any specific interest in any area or not, it like the area that has got the maximum paying job, I would take that as my specialisation.
Did we ever realise what are we making of ourselves - a machine. That machine which only sees money. We don't realise that we can excel in other areas also but its the lure of greenback that attracts us like a magnet.
It was due to this incident that I realised what the movie potrayed about the system was not wrong. The pressure is intense to excel Why??? because you are the best and competing against the best brains in the country. But once I would like each one of us to ask a simple question is it worth the price we all are paying or its just the way of life??

* 3 idiots and the lyrics are copyrights of respective owners

Holi...

The days were still sweet, when the innocence was still there, it used to fun being with everyone nad celebrating all te festivals. Today its holi and still there is not much feeling inside. Why is it so? Has the world corrupted me of my feelings or I am too much mired in the ways of the world where I have lost myself. There is huge unrest within me and that is making me feel worse and worse. I know its a beautiful day but there is something missing which is making me go mad. Hoping to find the way in the darkness of the world.