Har Kahani ka ek annt hota hai...

Shuru hui thi jo kahani do saal pehele, aaj ho gayi hai khatam.

June 2009, I came to this place called Campus err "Kampus", yes here everything starts with a "K" and still its not a Balaji Soap :P
The day I landed on Kozhikode airport, I was still apprehensive about the life that was about to unfurl in front of me - MBA life at Indian Institute of Management Kozhikode. There were a lot many people like me on the airport and most of us were unsure of what was about to come. From the first day till today, a lot has changed in life. From the unknown stranger to a family - it has been a long way, which now feels as if it was just yesterday that we all came to this place.
I am still confused about the feelings pent up inside me, am I happy or sad or feeling less or again confused :O , I am not sure.
Life has again come a full circle for me - started from corporate to studies and back to corporate, then why is the uneasy feeling inside me. Initially, I was happy to be leaving this place but now why am I feeling as something being lost???
What is it that is pulling me and I am not able to grasp it?
Life is name of moving forward but what do I have, what is mine? I still haven't got the answer.

As I remember the saying - "All good things come to an end", maybe that's the reason. Hoping for a good chapter in life is waiting for me to read it...
God bless me... God Bless us all...
Luv everyone
Manish

Loneliness...

After a long time I am coming back here and writing something. Today I wasn't feeling too good since morning. There was something within me that was pinching me hard and that was the feeling of being lonely - empty both from within and from the world. It looked like though on paper I had everything but in realty there was nothing in store for me. Everyone is busy in their own lives and I don't have a place in anyone's life - not even those who are part of my life. The best excuse that everyone gives is I was just remembering you, but that never translates into calls or words. The whole day goes by with me thinking that, yes someone will talk to me but it does not happen. When I give people a call they are busy and would call me later, but again that never happens. Your friends forget you, even when you are right in front of them. That really makes me think - am I so inconspicuous that people fail to notice me or I don't have any value in anyone's life.
Whatever may be the reason the end result is the same - I am standing at an isolated spot in life that is surrounded by people for whom I may or may not exist it does not matter. This is the worst cross road of life when you fail to know what really matters and who really matter. Is life so lonely - then I am really afraid of it? The only thing that remains in me is the pain, rest everything is gone. The pain that I had harbored over the years with the hope that one day it would subside, but again and again it rears its ugly head upwards. Though the heart bleeds but now the eyes are devoid of any emotion, or I am desperately trying not to show my emotions through the eyes. The reasons could be numerous and diverse, but life is just one. This one life is my life and I am still trying to fend of the feeling of loneliness but alas why do I always fail, or better still I just stick to my old friends - my books and blog, which at least don't have any expectations and are there with you till the very end of life.
I never try to sound so depressing but today, its more about letting the feelings out, at least the smile that I have on my face could be then said to be real rather than a pasted one.
Yours lonely
Manish

Inner Dilemma

This space has been silent for quite some time, but what could I do - I was not able to pen down anything. It was not like that there was dearth of thoughts. It was more subtle, there was something inside me that was pulling me back again and again. The internal fight that you could say was tearing me apart. Something was building inside me but it was not coming out or I was not letting it go. Today I finally decided that its time that at least I try out to let the feeling go. What are those feeling I don't know, but I submit myself to the inner instincts and let the hands play on the keypad. The result may be or may not be good, but at least I think it would lighten my burden. After a long time I am still in a dilemma, do I yearn for good work or do I yearn for recognition or is it something else. Even when you have all the things why is it so that something keeps on nagging you. Why can't one have satisfaction? This is the real question in life. Why is self satisfaction so hard to achieve.
I am still in dilemma but a little better than before.
Thanks

Manish

What is happening?...

Life has been a bit strange for a past few days. Everything thing around me looks good but then I like it and I am indifferent to it at the same time. What has befallen upon me is still unknown to me. Has the hectic past few days have taken their toll on me - which is highly unlikely in my case or in realty I don't want to accept that "Yes, I am vulnerable". Whatever may be the case, my eyes seem to have lost the warmth of feelings. It looks like everything is devoid of the same thing - feeling and warmth.
From dawn to dusk, all I do is roam around like I am lost. But the basic question remains - Am I lost or Have I lost it? :)
That's the stupid grin I pose with throughout the day feeling like "what the heck is happening around me, I am above all this". All the thoughts are jumbled up and the same way they are coming on the screen, lolz. Again the same stupid laugh.
"Putting into order my inordered life" but what is inordered and what is oredered with me i still the same question for which I am at loss. Loss of words and loss of feelings. Loss of self and loss of meaning. Waiting for what is going to happen and lost in the world within myself with or without meaning...

Wanting to get lost in the crowd...

It looks like its been ages when I last talked to myself. I was trying to keep myself busy so that I don't get to talk to myself. But why is it so? Have I ever wondered what I was and what I am becoming.
The silence within me is turning into cacophony. The tranquility of still waters is being invaded by a tsunami. Still I am turning a blind eye to all of them. Again the same question Why? Why is it to that I am trying to avoid. What is it that I fear so much. Where has that Manish gone who used to fight for reason, who had a logic, who searched the soul.
All the world is marching but I am standing still rooted to a single point. Everybody has gone ahead then what I am clinging to? With all the ropes of hopes gone, nobody around to share and laugh. The friends for life are nowhere to be seen or is that I am turning blind. I know I am at fault many times but not always then why is it I am left again and again. The heart cringes at every memory with the bleeding that has turned dry. No more tears are left within me, but still I want to cry. A hope that I nourish every day in and out to become someone and to stand within friends family and crowd. All I have left is a deserted look with a emptiness so profound that its hard to hear myself or a friendly sound. It looks like that I am losing all, with standing alone without a soul.
I started as a journey saying that I was lost in the crowd, its that phase I am passing through where there is only me but no crowd. All the helping hands are at bay waving a goodbye, all I want is someone to talk to, someone to say just a simple "Hi"

Wanting to get lost... get lost in the crowd...
Manish

(image courtsey: http://fineartamerica.com)

A dull beginning to an exciting year ???

Hurrah!!! I am in second year; touted to be a rocking year. But what's this such a dull starting to such a great (read anticipated ???) year. The whole of the week went by with nothing great to write about. No classes as such, no outing nothing and add to the top of that - I am missing my beloved. Thats sad na :( I know. Still thinking about the unknown and hazy. Life sounds a bit dull and lazy but I am trying to brighten up things at the moment so lets see where do I land up and Does this year really turn out to be as memorable as thought so.
Will keep you posted.
Till then sayonara

Hum toh aise hai bhaiya...

Classes mein sona, raat ko dekhna movie aur karna poore time masti yahi hai zindagi... Bahut time ho gaya tha kuch naya kare huye.. so aaj maine sirf aadhi class he attend ki :D phir thoda nahar ghooma, then friends ko kiya thoda pareshan aur dopahar mein kiya maine aaram. Fin ki class mein toh amazing thi, main tha class ke ander aur dimag tha bahar, sir ke meri taraf dekha toh sar hila diya ki "I understood", woh baat alag hai ki kuch samajh mein aaya aur thoda padosi ne samjhaya baaki maine nahi samajhna beheter paya. Par aa din toh tha kuch alag, phir kya tha shaam ko karne nikal gaya jogging friend ke saath raste mein socha ki koi naya route try karte hain aur ek alag raste pe chale gaye, bahut mazaa ayaa but waat lag gayi (actually route bahut he lamba tha) return mein college ki bus se wapas aaye :P
khair abhi tak toh yahi kiya hai, dekho aaj aur koi dhamaka hota hai kya.
:)
Manish

Kampus...

Hi,
I am not feeling good at the moment, just want to cry my heart out. A lot of things are going about and I am just not into them. Life is looking like being alone everywhere you are, friends are there still you are alone. Don't know what to do, where to go.

Lots of feelings trying to burst out... but anyway just wanted to post few pics of Kampus at night.

Lost n lonely
Manish

Revising 3 Idiots...

"Saari umrr hum mar marke ji liye
ik pal toh abb hamein jine do, jine do

give me some sunshine, give me some rain
give me another chance i wanna grow up once again"

Yesterday I had watched the movie "3 idiots" again, something in the movie always made me think is life really what we want or is it what it becomes. We all are running the rat race to score the best and leave behind the rest.
I came to this point because of an event that happened today - we were to select the subjects that we wanted in 2nd year of our course at Kozhikode. The wierd thing about the selection process is that not everyone would have the subjects of their interest, one who scored maximum grades in 1st year gets maximum points to bid. Result the rat race continues, some get the subjects of their choice while other lag behind. Another interesting phenomenon that came to light was, how easily we adopt ourselves to the money matters. We don't see that we have any specific interest in any area or not, it like the area that has got the maximum paying job, I would take that as my specialisation.
Did we ever realise what are we making of ourselves - a machine. That machine which only sees money. We don't realise that we can excel in other areas also but its the lure of greenback that attracts us like a magnet.
It was due to this incident that I realised what the movie potrayed about the system was not wrong. The pressure is intense to excel Why??? because you are the best and competing against the best brains in the country. But once I would like each one of us to ask a simple question is it worth the price we all are paying or its just the way of life??

* 3 idiots and the lyrics are copyrights of respective owners

Holi...

The days were still sweet, when the innocence was still there, it used to fun being with everyone nad celebrating all te festivals. Today its holi and still there is not much feeling inside. Why is it so? Has the world corrupted me of my feelings or I am too much mired in the ways of the world where I have lost myself. There is huge unrest within me and that is making me feel worse and worse. I know its a beautiful day but there is something missing which is making me go mad. Hoping to find the way in the darkness of the world.