Trying to reclaim my life...

Its been a long long time since I have in realty connected with myself. Still remember the day when I started blogging. Been more than 10 years. Then the speed slowed down and almost came to halt. This was a place where I can be myself, I can laugh, I can cry without the burden of anyone judging me.

Most would ask why today? Why are you telling all this today?

Its because as I had said, I had lost all connection with myself. I am trying to reconnect. Because unless and until I connect with myself, how will I be able to connect with other. 

During my engineering days, life was good, though there were hiccups but that time seems great now. Then came when I started my earning career, the means were limited but I was happy. I had lost contact with few but gained new, all in all life was still good. Now came the time for post grad, my life was smooth but won't say it was happening. People around me were doing things, they were busy, it was as if I was losing out. Was I being held back, I don't know. Post PG, I came back to my hometown to assist my family business it was not a big one just a small one, but I intended to make it big. Things then started to change - more than things I started to change. My life partner was now with me here, in the event to give everyone space, I lost all my own space. The overall atmosphere started to change, and in any event usually I was the centerpiece. With all those things happening I started out losing on myself, doing things that I liked to do or wanted to do, it was always trying to make situation bearable. With the passing of time, I even started forgetting what did I like and what I didn't. What I had thought would become a support had become a liability.

Over the years it went from bad to worse and then, suddenly I stopped feeling anything. I had become immune to anything or anyone. I never wanted to be like this but it had happened. So, today when I was working and contemplating on my life it suddenly dawned on me that I had no freedom in my life. I was just a puppet. I wanted to live again. I wanted to reclaim my life back. That's the reason I am here.

Hoping that this place again brings the same me back.

Thanks

See you soon again...

Trying to be friends with me again...

Its been again a long break for me from this place, but though I missed it, I did not come here. But now again the time has taught me a lesson, true friends are true, and for me my writing and books are the ones. Life has been lived and lost but what pinches you is when you have no one to speak to. You have people around you but they are too busy in their own lives to care about you and your life and your problems. They would be there but emotionally you are alone, when you stand your heart is empty it just has pain.

Life was beautiful, I had friends and people with whom I could share a thought or so, but now that's my past and present is here, where I speak to void but within tears. I wait for a response but none comes my say, I wait for a "Hello or Hi" none comes here even passing by. Losing grip of life and also my mind. So much welled within me waiting to burst out. So, again I take to this place, where I lighten my heart and normalize its pace.

Sometimes I think that everyone have their own set of problems but the biggest is when you can't share your heart-load with anyone. You life and death would count to a few but your present existence is cold stew. I am blabbering my heart out, please do bear with me, I want to yell - I want to shout. I want the pain to ease, I want everything within me to release. Such is the matter that I am now unable to bear, sometimes black thoughts do cross my mind. Which I can't list out but are true and look good at times. But I know I am not such a coward, so I don't think of taking that path.

All I want is someone to speak to, someone to listen to my heart. I want to smile, smile with all my problems intact, but I am alone that's the fact. Wish people around me would take me as a person with feelings not a piece of luggage that is cleaned and used whenever wanted. The pain of silence is overwhelming that is making me lose my bearing. For now, I think, I have poured out a little but I will sincerely try to make my bond again with you very strong. Atleast you will listen to me and understand me, I can proudly say to myself I have you, I have someone who is truly mine - my thoughts, my pen and my blog line...

Trying to pen down the feelings...

When I woke up in the morning, I did not feel fresh, though after having a good sleep one does feel so. The head was heavy and heart was gloomy that's the realization that life is not going smoothly. The morning sun looked like a ball of fire burning all my desires. Already have seen so much so go in life that now there are tears in eyes but they are silent. Its just that the heart feels the pinch, I won't even say pain as there is not much left there now. Three weeks back I was very happy, so happy so that I did not know how to express the feeling but yes I was happy and more so I wanted to be happy. But I was unable to relish my happiness coz I was all alone (metaphorically speaking). There was my family around me but there was a disconnect, everyone was very happy and so was I, still I was unable to express it.

Life has changed a lot for me, so what it changes for everyone but for me its more drastic. From an ebullient person to a acerbic person that's what I have been transformed into. I try and try so as not to hurt anyone but the feeling build up so much pressure inside me that suddenly they come out like a tsunami and wash everything away. I try not to be rude to anyone but I cannot help it, even the slightest of the things irritate me so much that it hardly leaves any room for consolation to that person. I want to be happy to enjoy life but the more I try to do so the more forcefully I am thrown back leading increase in negativity within me.

I know there are people who love me but I want those who understand me. Understand who I truly am, understand my feelings, understand me and my life. It is not a one way traffic, even I will try and do the same but atleast do provide some comfort to me. Life is aging at a rapid pace though life is at standstill.

Whatever is now left of me, just want to gather that and try and be a amiable person rather than an acerbic one.

Too many thoughts too few words is the condition now... but yes from now on will try and keep this place updated.

Thanks for hearing me out....

Life is tough...

Its been really long since I have been here. But today I needed someone to talk to and this is my buddy with whom I share in my tough times. Its been a long day today.. so long that it looked like been years that it would be over. There are so many thoughts going within me, but don't know which one would come to fore at this moment. Just be with me and make me feel better... listen to the silence... read the balnk lines... give me strength.... be with me....

Har Kahani ka ek annt hota hai...

Shuru hui thi jo kahani do saal pehele, aaj ho gayi hai khatam.

June 2009, I came to this place called Campus err "Kampus", yes here everything starts with a "K" and still its not a Balaji Soap :P
The day I landed on Kozhikode airport, I was still apprehensive about the life that was about to unfurl in front of me - MBA life at Indian Institute of Management Kozhikode. There were a lot many people like me on the airport and most of us were unsure of what was about to come. From the first day till today, a lot has changed in life. From the unknown stranger to a family - it has been a long way, which now feels as if it was just yesterday that we all came to this place.
I am still confused about the feelings pent up inside me, am I happy or sad or feeling less or again confused :O , I am not sure.
Life has again come a full circle for me - started from corporate to studies and back to corporate, then why is the uneasy feeling inside me. Initially, I was happy to be leaving this place but now why am I feeling as something being lost???
What is it that is pulling me and I am not able to grasp it?
Life is name of moving forward but what do I have, what is mine? I still haven't got the answer.

As I remember the saying - "All good things come to an end", maybe that's the reason. Hoping for a good chapter in life is waiting for me to read it...
God bless me... God Bless us all...
Luv everyone
Manish

Loneliness...

After a long time I am coming back here and writing something. Today I wasn't feeling too good since morning. There was something within me that was pinching me hard and that was the feeling of being lonely - empty both from within and from the world. It looked like though on paper I had everything but in realty there was nothing in store for me. Everyone is busy in their own lives and I don't have a place in anyone's life - not even those who are part of my life. The best excuse that everyone gives is I was just remembering you, but that never translates into calls or words. The whole day goes by with me thinking that, yes someone will talk to me but it does not happen. When I give people a call they are busy and would call me later, but again that never happens. Your friends forget you, even when you are right in front of them. That really makes me think - am I so inconspicuous that people fail to notice me or I don't have any value in anyone's life.
Whatever may be the reason the end result is the same - I am standing at an isolated spot in life that is surrounded by people for whom I may or may not exist it does not matter. This is the worst cross road of life when you fail to know what really matters and who really matter. Is life so lonely - then I am really afraid of it? The only thing that remains in me is the pain, rest everything is gone. The pain that I had harbored over the years with the hope that one day it would subside, but again and again it rears its ugly head upwards. Though the heart bleeds but now the eyes are devoid of any emotion, or I am desperately trying not to show my emotions through the eyes. The reasons could be numerous and diverse, but life is just one. This one life is my life and I am still trying to fend of the feeling of loneliness but alas why do I always fail, or better still I just stick to my old friends - my books and blog, which at least don't have any expectations and are there with you till the very end of life.
I never try to sound so depressing but today, its more about letting the feelings out, at least the smile that I have on my face could be then said to be real rather than a pasted one.
Yours lonely
Manish

Inner Dilemma

This space has been silent for quite some time, but what could I do - I was not able to pen down anything. It was not like that there was dearth of thoughts. It was more subtle, there was something inside me that was pulling me back again and again. The internal fight that you could say was tearing me apart. Something was building inside me but it was not coming out or I was not letting it go. Today I finally decided that its time that at least I try out to let the feeling go. What are those feeling I don't know, but I submit myself to the inner instincts and let the hands play on the keypad. The result may be or may not be good, but at least I think it would lighten my burden. After a long time I am still in a dilemma, do I yearn for good work or do I yearn for recognition or is it something else. Even when you have all the things why is it so that something keeps on nagging you. Why can't one have satisfaction? This is the real question in life. Why is self satisfaction so hard to achieve.
I am still in dilemma but a little better than before.
Thanks

Manish

What is happening?...

Life has been a bit strange for a past few days. Everything thing around me looks good but then I like it and I am indifferent to it at the same time. What has befallen upon me is still unknown to me. Has the hectic past few days have taken their toll on me - which is highly unlikely in my case or in realty I don't want to accept that "Yes, I am vulnerable". Whatever may be the case, my eyes seem to have lost the warmth of feelings. It looks like everything is devoid of the same thing - feeling and warmth.
From dawn to dusk, all I do is roam around like I am lost. But the basic question remains - Am I lost or Have I lost it? :)
That's the stupid grin I pose with throughout the day feeling like "what the heck is happening around me, I am above all this". All the thoughts are jumbled up and the same way they are coming on the screen, lolz. Again the same stupid laugh.
"Putting into order my inordered life" but what is inordered and what is oredered with me i still the same question for which I am at loss. Loss of words and loss of feelings. Loss of self and loss of meaning. Waiting for what is going to happen and lost in the world within myself with or without meaning...

Wanting to get lost in the crowd...

It looks like its been ages when I last talked to myself. I was trying to keep myself busy so that I don't get to talk to myself. But why is it so? Have I ever wondered what I was and what I am becoming.
The silence within me is turning into cacophony. The tranquility of still waters is being invaded by a tsunami. Still I am turning a blind eye to all of them. Again the same question Why? Why is it to that I am trying to avoid. What is it that I fear so much. Where has that Manish gone who used to fight for reason, who had a logic, who searched the soul.
All the world is marching but I am standing still rooted to a single point. Everybody has gone ahead then what I am clinging to? With all the ropes of hopes gone, nobody around to share and laugh. The friends for life are nowhere to be seen or is that I am turning blind. I know I am at fault many times but not always then why is it I am left again and again. The heart cringes at every memory with the bleeding that has turned dry. No more tears are left within me, but still I want to cry. A hope that I nourish every day in and out to become someone and to stand within friends family and crowd. All I have left is a deserted look with a emptiness so profound that its hard to hear myself or a friendly sound. It looks like that I am losing all, with standing alone without a soul.
I started as a journey saying that I was lost in the crowd, its that phase I am passing through where there is only me but no crowd. All the helping hands are at bay waving a goodbye, all I want is someone to talk to, someone to say just a simple "Hi"

Wanting to get lost... get lost in the crowd...
Manish

(image courtsey: http://fineartamerica.com)

A dull beginning to an exciting year ???

Hurrah!!! I am in second year; touted to be a rocking year. But what's this such a dull starting to such a great (read anticipated ???) year. The whole of the week went by with nothing great to write about. No classes as such, no outing nothing and add to the top of that - I am missing my beloved. Thats sad na :( I know. Still thinking about the unknown and hazy. Life sounds a bit dull and lazy but I am trying to brighten up things at the moment so lets see where do I land up and Does this year really turn out to be as memorable as thought so.
Will keep you posted.
Till then sayonara